To Hook Up, Or Not To Hook Up

If you're a slut, then guys just want to bang you. But if you're a good girl, then guys don't want you at all. So... then what are you supposed to do?

Last night I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend and all of his single friends. Since my bestie typically always has a boyfriend, it's usually pretty easy for me to meet guys. Okay, fine. It's pretty much the only way for me to meet guys. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be single for the rest of my life.

Oh yeah, so back to last night. She introduced me to a bunch of hotties. Of course, none of which had any kind of substance. They just wanted to get drunk, party and get laid. Did I mention they were all over 30? Yeah, that too. At the end of the night, she introduced me to this guy she's been DYING for me to meet. We talked for a while, mainly about dating and relationships. He said he couldn't understand why such a nice, pretty girl like me is single. I told him it was because all guys are jerks. He laughed and said I was crazy, and I also may or may not be a lesbian.

I am. But I have reason's to be.

After the bar, we all went back to my friend's boyfriend's place. Me and this guy were totally hitting it off... and believe it or not... we were just talking! Crazy, huh? I couldn't help but think, is this guy actually, maybe, kinda sorta, dare I say... into me? After I went to talk to my girlfriend in the other room about it, when I came out my guy was practically hooking up with some other girl. I awkwardly sat on the couch in between him and this girl... and another guy (who I totally have a crush on) and his new girl.

Like, seriously? Seriously. I leave the room for five minutes, and he's already trying to hit on someone else? I mean, it's not like we were "together," but still! Once it was 4am, there was no way I was driving home at that point. So, I was stuck sleeping on the floor while everyone else was hooking up.

I don't get it. If you hook up, then most likely the guy just thinks you're a slut and probably won't talk to you after the next couple of, err, dates. But if you don't hook up, then they're not interested at all and will just move on to the next chick who will hook up. And then guys wonder why girls are bitches, skank and/ or crazy. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret... behind every bitch, skank and crazy chick... is the guy who made them one!

Shit Single Girls Say!

Liz Lemon Who?

Is it just me, or does anybody else have as much with themselves as I do? I don't mean to sound presumptuous or anything, but I can make my self laugh harder than anyone I know.

Case in point: I had a free pass to the gym for a week. Since I haven't worked out since 2009, I figured I'd take some zumba classes to shed those extra LBS I put on from the holidays. And besides, we all know I could use a little dancing to help me out at the club.

So I'm in class and as soon as the music turned on, the teacher started dancing like crazy. Who does she think she is, the choreographer for Jennifer Lopez? Better yet, somehow, the entire class followed along with her without a hitch. Even the old ladies, and even the little kids. Pfftt, I totally got this!

We started dancing and just as the entire class turned left, I was turning right. Huh? And when everyone turned around, I was turning the other way. Wait, what! What the fuck is going on!? Why can't I keep up? And more importantly, why can't I seem to at least clap my hands?

Well, there went that idea. After the gym and desperately trying to make myself feel better, I went to get a mani/pedi. What could go wrong at a nail salon?

As soon as I walked in, all of the manicurists greeted me saying "Haiiiii" and got a spa chair ready for me. Now I don't know about you, but getting into the spa chair is sort of an obstacle course for me. As I was about to hop on, I noticed what I thought was a stool right next to it. So, I took off my flip flops, stepped on the "stool," which actually had wheels, and immediately flung me across the spa chair. I ended up doing the worm for a bit when the next thing I knew I was in the water where you soak your feet instead. This went on for what seemed to be five full minutes of trying to get up, but instead getting deeper in to the mess I call myself.

After three manicurists (yes, it took three) to help me up, a pretty girl sitting next to me just looked at me and laughed. Before the fall, I could have sworn this was Katherine Hiegl. So if it were, I'd like to think perhaps I inspired a character for her next movie. And at least I know I can put Liz Lemon to shame any day!

Singled Out

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Happy New Year!” everybody shouted, as pretty much the entire bar started making out with one another. Most of them were couples, or at least dating. I guess? And others just grabbed pretty much anybody at midnight just to have someone to kiss. And then there was me. Lonely, little old me, sitting on a bar stool blowing my noise maker in the air, playing with that little straw in my drink.

“So… do you watch Heroes?” I said to the geeky foreign guy sitting next to me, wearing suspenders with those thick black rimmed glasses that the Saved By The Bell nerds used to wear (since when did those become cool again?). “I like-a your tattoo. Vant to kiss-a me?” said the geek. “I’m from Brazeeeaal and don’t speak-a English.” “Really? Well, you’re speaking it right now” I said, as we both just sat there for a moment. Ugh. So, I got up and walked over to my friends. “Happy New Year! Ahhhhhh!” we all screamed, as we all hugged one another in a big circle full of hugs.

All in all, my New Years was a blast (although, the very next day wasn’t such a blast). But even though I spent it with great friends, I still can’t help but feel lonely. Why, oh why do I always feel lonely on New Years?

Ever since I’ve returned to New York for the holidays, I’ve come to realize that most of my friends are either a) in relationships b) engaged or c) moved in with their significant others. And to top it all off, even all of my guy friends are taken. Yes, even the one of the group that we swore would never get married because he’s a crazy man-whore. Yep, even him.

So what does this all mean! I guess it means that I’m destined to become the old woman who lived in her shoes, because now even my backups are on the road to being hitched.

It's Okay To 'Not Have A Boyfriend' ... Right?

Taylor Swift: "I just don't ... You'd know if I had a boyfriend. I for real don't have a boyfriend. I sit by myself and I watch 'Law & Order.' I don't have a boyfriend. I don't even have like kind of a boyfriend. I don't have someone that I'm texting that is a guy that someday might be my boyfriend. There's like nothing going on right now."
Ellen DeGeneres: "That's pathetic."
Taylor Swift: "Yeah."

The Most Incestuous Gang On TV Goes To...

... 90210!

Rule #1 of living in 90210 land is that everyone has to date each other! On the original 90210, there was the whole Brenda/ Kelly/ Dylan love triangle. Now there's the Navid/ Silver/ Adrianna/Dixon triangle. And of course, we can't forget Naomi who dated Liam, who then dated Annie, all of which are great friends now. Umm, isn't there anyone else at West Beverly High that they can go on a date with? Aren't any of them on Facebook?

Although those rules may apply in La La Land, in real life, if you were to date a friend's ex, most likely they would be angry, hurt and would probably egg your car. I know if my best friend started dating my ex, she would not be happy. Nor would I, if it were the other way around. Jeez, if an ex comments on a Facebook post, it's a big deal, let alone starting a relationship!

But 90210 isn't the only TV show where 'the gang' dates... well... everyone else in the gang. The rule also seems to apply to Friends, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, How I Met Your Mother... I can keep going, but you get where I'm going with this.

Would U date a friend's ex? And if you did, do U think they would be okay with it?

Stranger Than Fiction

They always say "write what you know." That's a phrase I've come to live by my entire life because if you know me well, then you'd know that somehow, I always get myself into the most bizarre situations. Sometimes it's because of me. Sometimes it's because of my crazy friends. And sometimes, I just really think that my life is meant to be either a) a book series b) a Judd Apatow movie or c) a Thursday night sitcom on NBC.

It was Thanksgiving Eve, so my best friend and I decided to hit the town since we both had a few days off. And after working six days a week for the past six months, trust me, I needed a night out!

We went to a club called Beachers Madhouse inside The Roosevelt Hotel. As soon as we walked in, I had to triple check that I wasn't tripping on acid because it was by far the strangest place I've ever been to. Whenever somebody ordered bottle service, a midget dressed as an oompa loompa swung through the air to hand deliver their bottle of Grey Goose. I have to admit, that was pretty cool, aside from hoping that I wouldn't get raped by the old hairy 80-year-old man in leather panties (I really hope that he worked there) who kept trying to dance with me. Who ever thought of this idea for a club must have been on some serious drugs.

After the club, some friends of ours invited us to an after party somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. Not really sure of how we were going to get home, my friend and I jumped in an Escalade and hoped for the best. They took us to a mansion in Bel Air. I mean like, one of those mansions you'd see on Entourage. It was crazy!

A half hour later when everyone started doing drugs… and other stuff, I knew it was my cue to leave. But of course, the douchebags we came with left us there, the girls who we thought were "kind of" nice wouldn't give us a ride back to town even though they lived a few blocks over from us, nor would the z-list celeb who took a car service BY HIMSELF, or the girl who had a drug store in her purse (not that I would have wanted to get in a car with her). Everybody else was too messed up to tell us where we were or what the address was. Awesome!

Two hours later, we were still trying to figure out how to get home when the guy who's house it was said, "Oh, you need a cab, why don't you just call 411?" as if we were idiots. Umm, i'm sorry but is this 2003? Who calls 411 anymore, aside from the fact that we were up in the hills and had no cell phone service.

"Ugh, i'll call for you" said the douchebag, who picked up his landline and ordered us a cab. Seriously. Seriously? He couldn't have done that for us TWO HOURS AGO when we asked him? And so the cab finally pulls up… a mile away outside the gate of course! Once we got in the cabbie said "You girls walked all this way, you're lucky you didn't see any coyotes!"

And so, on this Thanksgiving day, I am thankful for always getting involved in a crazy night out. The truth is always stranger than fiction. I couldn't even make this stuff up if I tried!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage… Then Comes ‘What The *&$@! Did I Do That For?”

Incase you’re living in a bubble, then you would have known that Kim Kardashian just got divorced just 72 days after she got married. I know what you’re thinking – “You mean I just wasted four hours of my life watching ‘Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event’ for no reason!!” Oh… you mean you didn’t watch it?

Call me crazy, but I think that Kim Kardashian married Kris Humphries because she really did love him. Or did she just love… love? Kim is what I like to call ‘A hopeless romantic who is desperately wanting to get married.’ She’s one of those girls who’s dreamed of her fairytale wedding ever since she was little, and now that she’s hit 30-years-old, she suddenly realized she has to get married! It doesn’t matter to who, but she just wants a wedding and she wants it now! There’s no way in hell she’s going to be the last of her friends and family to get hitched. So, she found a guy that she liked and probably though it was do-able.

Hey, it’s happens to the best of us. But clearly, after only just a few months of dating, you don’t know someone well enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them. Maybe it used to work in the 1900’s, but not in today’s society. People are more complex now, but yet fall into “I want to get married because it’s the next step” phase. And then come around and realize one fine day… “What the fuck did I do that for?” … Get divorced and then do it all over again.

Sure, being single is fun, but at the end of the day, all a girl really wants is to find her prince charming and settle down. Kim represents ‘that girl who’s longing to get married’ that lives inside all of us whether we like it or not. But sometimes you just have sit back and wait for it to happen.

Stupid Reasons People Get Married

Unfortunately, lots of people these days get married for all the wrong reasons. Here's a list I've compiled and if you feel like one of these reasons pertains to you, them umm, you probably shouldn't get married! And if you are married, did U get married for a stupid reason?

-All of my friends are getting married, I'm just getting drunk!

So what if everybody that you know is getting married? It doesn't mean that you should too! If everyone that you know masterbated to the Jonas Bros CD, would you do it too? Yeah, I didn't think so. And if you do know people who do that, then they shouldn't be your friends to begin with.

-I want a baby

No you don't! Babies are annoying and will change your life. If you want a baby go and babysit for a kid that you will eventually have to give back at some point.

-We've been dating for so long, it only seemed like the next step!

This is probably the dumbest reason of them all! There's no relationship schedule. If you feel like you're in a rush, or if he's in a rush, there's something fishy going on. Make sure to find out if he was born in this country.

-I want to plan a wedding and get drunk

Women everywhere have dreamed of their wedding day ever since they were a little girl. But that's not an excuse to go ahead and plan a wedding for thousands, or millions of dollars, only to end up getting divorced a few years later, because most likely you aren't a Kardashian, and if you are, I'm on Twitter!!

-I want to move out of my parents’ house!

Yeah, you really should! But getting married isn't the way. Get a job and move in with a friend. Haven't you ever watched Three's Company or Sex And The City? Having a roommate is way more fun!

-I want to have sex all the time

Sure, who doesn't? But you can still be in a relationship and have sex all the time. Or have one night stands. Or become a prostitute. See, there's plenty sex to go around!

-I felt bad saying “no”

Really? Because you'll feel even worse giving that ring back eventually. Just sayin'

My Mom Thinks I'm a Lesbian... And Other Things

We all know that mother's only want the best for their children. But why is it that mom's in this day and age are obsessed with thinking the worst of their daughters when they come to realize that if they're in their late 20's and aren't settled down, they automatically think the worst.

Just because I haven't had a real boyfriend since... well, whatever -- I've had one, okay -- doesn't mean that I'm a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Just because all my friends are getting married and I'm the drunk one at their wedding, doesn't mean that I'm going to be a spinster. And just because I'm on birth control doesn't mean that I'm a slut. It does many other things besides prevent you from getting pregnant!

Let's face it, I would rather my mom just not know about my love life and have her think the absolute worst of me, than to actually tell her that I have a boyfriend and have her interrogate me about him, only to break up with him the following week which in turn, will make you feel even worse about yourself than you already do. Unfortunately, most mom's just aren't 'cool mom's' and don't understand that this isn't the 1900's anymore; the rules of dating have changed.

Since when did mother’s turn into those high school mean girls who used to spread rumors that you were gay because you dressed weird?

Do Stalkers Have It Too Easy?

If you have a crush and you want to find out more about them, it's pretty easy to get the 411. There's Google, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Foursquare, Youtube, Linkdn, blogs… is that enough?

People who aren't stalkers become stalkers, and people who are stalkers, only have more ammunition to find what they are looking for. With so many advances in technology, it's hard not to stalk someone that you're interested in. How many times have you clicked on your crush's Facebook page and looked at their pics? How many times have you google'd your date? How many times have you checked to see where your boyfriend is on Foursquare? Yes, we've all done it.

Whatever happened to the days of driving past someone's house to see if they were home! Now, all you have to do is log on to Twitter, Facebook or Foursquare and you'll know exactly where they are and what they are doing. Sometimes I just wish we could go back to the days of Zack Morris phones. Life was so much easier back then.

Is it better to know absolutely everything about your significant other, or is it better to be left to the imagination?