Saturday, June 21, 2014

Why Do Married People Need Presents?

So, you get married and throw a big party that costs a ton of money, while guests attend the party dressed in their Sunday best bearing gifts for the bride and groom.

But what if you're single?

I'm 32 and most of my friends have already gotten married. I've spent a ton of money on bachelorette parties, plane tickets, bridesmaids dresses and gifts that you know they are never going to use.

I'm sorry, but who the hell is going to use a soda maker. Just buy a fucking soda!

But what about those of us who are still single, huh? What are we supposed to do? What do we get? Is there a registry for single people who need stuff for their apartment? Where's my buy me a blender, I'm single party?

Friday, June 20, 2014

No, I Do Not Have Narcolepsy. I'm Just Really Tired!

This is my life. I wake up every day at 6 AM for work -- which consists of writing, producing and constant emailing until I leave at about 4 PM. I sit in traffic for an or hour or so, come home, eat dinner, email some more and continue writing my own stuff up until I go to sleep. Oh yeah, and I shower somewhere in between. Well, usually, if I don't forget. I brush my teeth sometimes, too.

With such a hectic work week, you could only imagine that once Friday rolls around, I'm tired. I'm really tired. And by tired, I mean I will fall asleep anywhere.

Out for dinner at a restaurant? I'll fall asleep mid conversation.

Drinking at a bar? A few drinks in... aaaaand I'm out.

Watching a movie. Dunzo.

During sex. Whoops!

Shit, I could even fall asleep while standing up.

But my friends are all like...

Well you know what, I don't want to go out. Why bother wasting four hours of my life waiting in line to get in somewhere, and listening to the same song over and over when I could do it in my own house... for free... where I don't have to wear heels.

Come on, I could barely walk in flip flops!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

That One Time I Forgot How Old I Was ... And Other Horrible Thoughts

It was a Saturday night at a bar in Santa Monica when my girlfriends and I met a group of guys. After telling me that I look like Alex from Orange is the New Black - for those of you who don't watch that show, Alex is a lesbian - one of the guys in the group started talking about how old he was. Even though he looked like he was well over thirty, he somehow was only twenty one.

After telling him that I could pretty much be his mother, our conversation quickly turned to the one topic that makes every woman cringe - he asked how old I was. But for some reason, I stumbled. I panicked. My mind was blank as I thought to myself...

Fuck, how old am I? 

I mean, I know that I'm no longer in my twenties even though my dad thinks I am. And I know that I turned thirty a while ago because it was the birthday that nobody showed up to. Oh wait, that's every birthday. 

But was I thirty one or thirty two?

I would like to think I'm thirty one. That would make the most sense. Thirty one is only one year after thirty, so it's not as bad as thirty two, which is eight years closer to forty. Besides, Beyonce is thirty two, and I'm sorry but I do not look as old as Beyonce because even though she's only thirty two in Hollywood years, we all know that in real life she's like, forty. Not to mention, regardless of whether I was thirty one or thirty two, I was still somehow older than Lady Gaga, which is incredibly depressing.

Me: Quick, how old am I?

BFF: (Loudly so people can hear) Not a day over 21. 
Me: There's no guys around. Seriously, how old am I? 
BFF: You're 32.
Me: I'm the same age as Britney Spears!? Oh god! Are you sure? 
BFF: Yes, I'm sure. I just had this conversation the other day with my mom. I texted her and I was like, how old am I, because I seriously had like, no idea. I totally spaced.

OK, so my best friend also forgot how old she was. Jeez, is this like, a thing? After you turn thirty, do you just forget every birthday that comes after that because deep down inside, you want to stay thirty forever?

But if I look on the bright side, I guess I look good for my age. I have hair. I have clear skin. I have no wrinkles or cellulite. Some even say I don't look a day older than my sixteen year old cousin. Although, that could be because she has way bigger boobs than I do. She's also probably kissed more guys than I have, too. 

I guess being thirty two isn't that bad. But in a perfect world, why can't every guy just be like...

Sunday, February 23, 2014

That Awkward Moment While Watching "That Awkward Moment" and You're Like, Is This What Guys Are Really Like?

That awkward moment when you're in a relationship of some sorts with a guy, and you're not sure whether you're dating or just hooking up. This leads to the same question that girls everywhere ask their, err, guy they are hanging out with... "So, what are we?"

In the movie, "That Awkward Moment," Zac Efron calls it the so.

We've all been there. Done that. You really like a guy. You've been hanging out for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. But he's never asked you to be his girlfriend, yet you continuously hang out a few times a week. You sleep over his house all the time. You have your own toothbrush in his bathroom. You've met his friends. Possibly even his parents. Yet he just can't commit.

So, why is it so hard? Well, That Awkward moment sheds some light on the reason why.

In the movie, Zac Eron, Milles Teller and Michael B. Jordan make a vow that they remain single in order to go out every weekend, hook up and just have fun. But when you look like Zac, Miles or Michael, well, let's just say it's pretty hard to remain single for more than five minutes. The guys end up meeting girls that they develop feelings for, some of them even commit, but when their guy friends find out about it, they pretend as if they're not in a relationship, even though they really are. And when Zac Efron's love interest needs him the most, guess what, he isn't there for her and ignores her text messages.

While the movie isn't an Oscar worthy film by any means, it was real. It's what twentysomethings this day and age go through time and time again. Whether you're a girl or a guy, we've all been there.

Ladies, I suggest you go out and see this film with your girlfriends. And guys, I suggest you go see it as well. Preferably with your girlfriends, otherwise it might actually get kind of awkward.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

10 Songs To Listen To This Valentine's Day If You Want To Kill Yourself

1. Adele - "Someone Like You." This song just makes me want to lay down in my shower and slit my wrists. Then again, any Adele song makes me want to slit my wrists for being played so many times on the radio.

2. Sinead O'Conner - "Nothing Compares." Great song, but anything that's an inspiration for Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" video is enough for me.

3. Roxette - "It Must Have Been Love." I don't know what it is about this song that makes me want to start balling my eyes out, but it does. Maybe it's because I've listened to it every single time I've gone through a break up, or maybe it's because I still feel bad for Julia Roberts' hooker character in "Pretty Woman" (come on, everyone was so mean to her).

4. Sarah McLachlan - "Angel." This song makes me sad because it reminds me of when Jen died in the "Dawson's Creek" series finale. What, you never saw the finale?

5. Celine Dion - "My Heart Will Go On." If Leonardo DiCaprio dies in a movie, then what's the purpose of living?

6. A Great Big World - "Say Something." Not only is this song depressing, but it just keeps repeating the chorus over and over and over and over and over... "say something, I'm giving up on you." Oh yeah? Well I'm giving up on you by turning this shit off!

7. Evanescence - "My Immortal." Yep, if you hate the world and need a good cry, this song will do it.

8. Keane - "Somewhere Only We Know." This song makes me think of a cheesy RomCom... a cheesy RomCom that I'll probably never write. Enough said.

9. Britney Spears - "Everytime." Is it just me, or is this song kind of creepy? Maybe it's because Britney sort of commits suicide in it... or maybe it's because years later James Franco would lipsync to it in "Spring Breakers" while a bunch of chicks pranced around him in bikinis and ski masks.

10. Lindsay Lohan - "Confessions Of A Broken Heart." This song makes me feel all kinds of emotions; sad, depressed... but not because of the actual song, but because it's by Lindsay Lohan.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

10 Reasons Why My Mom Thinks I'm a Lesbian

10. I like to wear cut off, sleeveless shirts that show off my tattoos and bulging biceps.

9. I don't like to shave. What's the point? It takes a really long time and it's not like anybody is going to be feeling me up any time soon.

8. I just cut off all of my hair.

7. I once kissed a girl. But I swear, it didn't mean anything.

6. When I'm out with my girlfriends, I never talk to guys. It's not that I'm not interested, I just have no game. I also have social anxiety.

5. But it's also because I hate boys.

 4. One time, I brought my best friend as my date to my cousin's wedding. My whole family was like...

3. I never talk about boys in front of my mom. What's the point? She's only going to make me feel even worse about myself than I already do.

2. I'm 31 and I'm not married. No, there is nothing wrong with me. At least... I don't think.

1. Fine. To be completely honest, I haven't had a boyfriend in ten years and I'm fine with that. Turns out, my mom isn't.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

You're 30. You Should Be Married by Now. Right?

If there's one thing I've learned about turning 30, it's that everybody expects you to be married, and if you're not, well then there's something definitely wrong with you. Even if you have a boyfriend.

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and the one question that everybody (I mean, everybody) asks is… Is he the one? Are you going to get married? What do you mean you're not getting married? Why not?

I apologize if this offends anybody, but a year and a half isn't exactly a long enough time to be wit someone and say, "Hey, we should get married!" I know, I know. Some people are with their significant others after six months and then tie the knot. But you know where those people probably are now?


It's like Aziz Ansari said on his comedy special, "Buried Alive" -- "I’ve had sweaters for two years and been like, ‘What the fuck was I doing with this sweater? It’s so stupid looking. I can’t believe I thought about living with this sweater for the rest of my life.’”

So kids, before you lock that shit down, make sure that you can definitely see yourself with that sweater boyfriend/ girlfriend for the rest of your life.

Aziz Ansari On Why Getting Married is Creepy

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

"Don Jon" - The Anti-Rom-Com For This Generation

Long gone are the good old days of rom-coms when a prostitute would have a heart of gold (a la Pretty Woman), nowadays, we no longer want to see perfect people fawning all over each other. We want something real. Something relatable. Right?

Cue "Don Jon," Joseph Gordon Levitt's directorial debut about a guy who watches too much porn. Yes, seriously. This anti-rom-com is not only for chicks to see, but guys too! My boyfriend even went to see it with me … and liked it. A lot.

People are always talking about how Lena Dunham and "Girls" is like nothing we've ever seen, and how it's the most honest piece of work about this generation, blah, blah, blah. And don't get me wrong, it's great, but what about "Don Jon?"

In the film, Joseph Gordon Levitt's character says things like, “Every guy. Watches porn. Every day.” I'm sorry girls, but this is true. It's like, who doesn't masturbate? We've all done it, but nobody talks about it.

The movie gets better. Every single night, he goes out to the club with his friends, looking for one night stands because they're afraid to fall in love. And then when they do, and it doesn't work out because most of the time it never does, their afraid to tell their parents because, oh god, they're just going to be so annoying about it!

Sound familiar?


Now don't get me wrong. I'm a chick, and I love watching movies like "Dirty Dancing," Pretty Woman" and "When Harry Met Sally." But I like it even more when rom-coms are cliché free and the real deal. I mean, would Harry have met Sally in 2013? Probably not. Would 'baby' be standing in the corner in this day and age? Definitely. And would a prostitute have had a heart of gold? Nope, but she probably would have gotten an STD or two.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Since When Did My Life Become an Episode of 'Jersey Shore'

My fourth of July was a shit show.

Let me rephrase that. My fourth of July was like an episode of 'Jersey Shore.'

My friends and I went for a bike ride down to Venice Beach, which sounded like a great idea at the time. Since I didn't have a bike of my own, my friend let me borrow hers, which let's just say was way too big for me, even with the seat adjusted. Sure, it looked a bit scary, considering the fact that I haven't ridden a bicycle since I was about 12-years-old, but how hard could it be? You don't forget how to ride a bike, do you?

And so, we all got on the bikes and took off. But as soon as I hopped on the bike, I was like 'fuck, I'm going to fall, possibly even die.' Everybody stopped at the red light. I didn't. I couldn't. Instead, I ended up falling.

I fucked up my hand ... bad! Thankfully, I didn't break it or even sprain it, but it was pretty banged up and was bleeding incessantly. I was drunk, so who cares, right! I got back on the bike and started to follow my friends again, completely disregarding the fact that I couldn't stop or that my hand was gushing with blood.

We got to the bar and I somehow managed to stop the bike and get off of it without my friends having to ask me again, 'Do you know how to ride a bike?' We got some drinks, took some pics, posted them on Facebook, and then we were off to watch the fireworks.

But as my buzz started to wear off, I started to realize, 'shit I really hurt myself!' But once my friends took their bikes in the middle of the street with on-going traffic, since I wanted to live to see another day, I decided to stay on the sidewalk and walk with the bike instead. Soon after, my friends were gone.

Whoops, should I have told them that I wasn't following them? Oh well, I'll find them soon enough ... in the sea of thousands of people ... in a place that I don't know very well. Shit! I called my friend, who then yelled at all of the guys to go and find me. Finally, I told her that I was in front of a hotel. But, then my phone died. Awesome!

While I went missing for a short while, lots of things happened. My friend ended up getting arrested. So, that happened. And once the boys came back after not finding me and saw all of the cop cars, they were like, 'Oh my god, Jen got hit by a car!?' And then everyone was all, 'Oh my god, she did!?'

Instead, I was still waiting in front of some god damn hotel, waiting for somebody to come and find me. But apparently my friends were so frustrated, they were like, 'We'll find her later!'

As I continued to wait in front of the hotel, you know, just standing there with a bike, a couple of my friends were driving by. They were leaving to go to a club, (because who doesn't go to a club on July 4th!?), they ended up bringing me back to the group.

So much for July 4th! But hey, at least we didn't end up getting kicked out of a club, ending up in a limo with no cash, like last weekend!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I'm Too Old to Party in Vegas

When you go to Las Vegas, you go there to party, right? You go there to stay out until at least four in the morning, because well, it's Vegas, why wouldn't you? You go there to drink as much as you possibly can, only to wake up the morning of your flight back home and wonder … what the hell happened!?

That's what you do in Vegas, but not me.

My most recent trip to Vegas was Memorial Day weekend with my two best friends and one of their boyfriends, who let's just say, are party animals. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to party and I love to drink. But when you're getting sloshed in the afternoon at a pool party, don't have time for a nap, then have dinner plans, then go to a club at 9 PM, let's just say ... that's fucking tiring!

I know what you're thinking … you're probably saying to yourself, she's too old for this shit. And yes, I am too old for this shit. I'm 31-years-old. When I was 21, sure, this was awesome. But ten years later, I'd rather be in Vegas with my boyfriend, eating a nice dinner rather than listening to the same house song for three and a half hours, falling asleep in the middle of the dance floor. (Yeah, so that happened).

Are you TOO old for Vegas? Or do you still like to party in Sin City?