It's Always Sunny in California

I apologize for my lack of posts recently, but I've been a busy little bee the past couple of weeks.

I've been going on tons of interviews trying to find the dream job, meeting lots of new and what I'd have to call interesting people, partying almost every night, often being mistaken for a drug dealer, went on a spontaneous road trip to Vegas, almost got hitched, and now apparently I'm having a certain somebody's love child from across the country. (I kid, I kid)

As soon as I get my butt in gear to go hang at one of those cool coffee shops where all the writers go here in Hollywood, I promise to write more.

Until then lovies...

I'm Not Dead Yet

Ever since I moved across the country to California, I have to admit, my parents have been taking it pretty hard. Especially my mom. Before I moved out here, I was an idiot still living at home with my parents. So you could only imagine that my mother has been calling me everyday and stalking the shit out of my Facebook page to see what I'm up to. But it wasn't until this past weekend that I realized she really has lost it.

My mom had a family BBQ. You know, one of those summer get togethers where you drink, laugh and talk crap about those family members who didn't attend. And apparently this year was a new ritual. My mom had my picture of me in the middle of the table, as sort of a creepy reminder that yes, even though I'm not at the BBQ, I'm still there "In spirit."

I'm sorry, but that's just really creepy. I mean, so what if I moved across the country? I'm not dead!

What's next - A Jen Kucsak blow up doll? A Jen Kucsak cardboard cut out?

The Domino Effect

When it comes to love, everyone agrees that “playing games” is bad. Yet we all play them. But nobody realizes the consequences when they screw somebody over in a relationship. Everybody has been dumped. Everybody has had their heart broken. And everybody has broken someone else's heart. Yet nobody realizes the long term effects of the situation.

Guys - If you like a girl, call her, pursue her. It is that easy. The time you waste playing games equals the time that you are wasting in which you could be getting to know her. It is not about winning or losing or even keeping score. Don't string girls along if you have no intentions of being with them. And
if you are just about having a "commitment free good time" then find yourself a girl with a similar mindset who will sleep with you no strings attached. Do not mess with a person of substance. Because then that person will get fucked up for the next person. And then that person will be fucked up for their next person. See what I'm getting at here?

Girls - If you actually have a decent guy, do whatever you can to keep him. There aren't many of those left anymore. And if he actually treats you good, make sure to reciprocate. Because if you don't, those are the guys who end up being the worst of them all, just because that one ex-girlfriend jerked them around and treated him like crap. And the next girl that guy gets, will most likely be a nice girl, but he will be too fucked up for her to realize that he too, was once a nice guy as well.

In a world where everybody is selfish, sometimes you just have to suck it up. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Because karmas a bitch. In the words of Justin Timberlake, what goes around comes back around!

8 Simple Rules for Dating a Twenty Something Boy

General Rules for Dating

1. Never call guys. Ever.

2. Make sure you see your guy in a well lit area, or during the day. Sometimes, when u end up meeting someone in a bar or a club, and you finally see them face to face outside, it's a whole other ball game. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

3. Limit dates to only once a week in the beginning. You don't want to get too close, too fast. Let the guy miss you and wonder what you are doing.

4. Let the guy pay for everything. Of course, you always have to offer some money. And if he accepts, run like the wind.

5. Always date during the week. Weekends are reserved for drinking and hanging out with friends.

6. Get their last names. And always google your dates, myspace or facebook them. You want an idea of who you're going out with. You never know what you're going to find out there.

7. Never ask how many women he has been with. Trust me, you don't want to know.

8. Just have fun. Life's too short for playing games. If he's not showing interest, then maybe he's just not that into you. And most importantly, always be yourself. As Carrie Bradshaw once said "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Rules for Dating on the Singles Scene

1. Although most people do not want to meet their significant other in a bar/ club, you are better off than just sitting home snuggled in your bed watching "Grey's Anatomy" on a Saturday night. Otherwise, it's going to be pretty hard meeting someone under those covers.

2. While you're out, always smile. Guys won't approach a girl who looks unapproachable.

3. Don't be afraid to make the first move. Most of the time, guys will stare you down, and will never say anything. I guarantee if you make the first move, they probably wanted to talk to you anyway. And if they didn't, I'm sure they will anyways.

4. Always ask your friend what their wearing first. Whatever they say, just step it up a notch. This way, you always look better than them.

5. If you give a guy your number, and he ends up not calling, don't sweat it. Call him only once. If he doesn't return your call, chances are he's a pussy, or he could very well have forgotten who you were (especially if you were drunk). Don't stalk him and be a psycho bitch. Just leave it be. He obviously wasn't worth it.

6. No sex on the first night. A one night stand is most likely not going to turn into a relationship. Unless you are a character in a movie, which I highly doubt you are.

7. If you are drunk, don't give away too much information; like your home address, social security number, favorite sex positions, etc.

8. Don't always be so picky. Even if the guy isn't a looker, but seems to have personality, give him a chance. He may end up growing on you.

Rules for Dating via the Internet Scene

1. Update your profile pic regularly. Having a photo from a couple of years ago during your "Glory Days" won't cut it if you look completely different now.

2. Always check to see if the persons profile picture is an actor/ model. If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is.

3. Besides talking online, make sure to talk on the phone a couple times before you meet to make sure that person is indeed a boy.

4. Don't lie about your age, weight, or anything else that may ruin your chances. (ie: if you say that you're 25 years old and 100 lbs, but in reality you're actually an overweight 40 year old, chances are that person won't reciprocate the feelings).

5. If you're going on a date with someone, always be careful. Make sure to meet during the day, or in a well lit area with lots of people around.

6. Don't tell the other person that you've been going on tons of other internet dates. If you're looking for love on the internet, obviously you're probably dating around. Maybe even being an internet dating whore. But your partner doesn't need to know about it.

7. Make sure to have an exit line just incase your date isn't what you expected. (ie: During your date excuse yourself, run to the bathroom and tell your friend to call you. Pretend as if you have an emergency and that you need to leave right away).

8. There are many ways to meet that special someone. If your online dating experience doesn't turn out to be the 21st century fairy tale of your dreams, don't give up!

So ladies, if you follow these rules, hopefully they will work better for you than they have for me. Good luck and have fun! But not too much :)

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy tells girl he doesn't want a girlfriend. So boy gets a new girlfriend.

That seems to be the story of our lives. We meet a boy, fall head over heels believing that he's prince charming, only to discover that he doesn't want a relationship. Basically, he doesn't want anything. And then a couple of weeks later, bam, the guy is now in a relationship... with somebody else! While most girls want it all, most guys don't want to be tied down to just one girl. Or in other words, they just don't want to be tied down to

Are you sitting down? This may be harsh...

They just don't want to be tied down to YOU. At least not now.

Yes ladies, I'm going to tell you the truth, just because a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't mean he won't have one with somebody else. Maybe you're not right for each other. Or maybe he's just not that into you.

A couple of years ago, my ex broke up with me because he wanted to be single and 'discover' himself. At the time, we were twenty one years old and didn't know any better, or so I thought. Two weeks later, he met another girl, and to this day, they are still together. I'm now twenty seven years old. As I look back on it, I can't help but laugh. And you know what, if they are happy, then I'm happy. But obviously, back then, I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

I've learned many things from that relationship:
a) Your first love is always your true love.
b) It takes a while to get over somebody, so don't jump into something new right away.
c) Just because your guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't mean that he doesn't want one.
d) All guys are full of shit. And the one who isn't, will stick around for a while. Hopefully.

Suck It

When I was a little girl, I used to sit in front of the TV with my dad and we would watch "Saturday Night Live." That was always my favorite show. Sometimes, I would even write sketches and perform them with my friends. Obviously, they weren't that great, since I was only twelve years old. But at the time, I thought they were the greatest thing in the world. I would sit and pine away for the day that when I grow up, I would go on to become a famous writer. Maybe even for SNL, then go on to create my own sitcom loosely based on my life, write a screenplay that was sort of a modern day "Clueless," and then become an "accidental" actress who takes over the world, not because of looks, not because of infamous notoriety, but because I actually have talent. And then Tina Fey did it, and I figured that I better get a move on it!

You see, I grew up in a rather conflicted environment where I've been surrounded by crazy characters in my everyday life; a family as nutty as the clan on "Arrested Development," friends as funny as the real "Friends," and dysfunctional relationships far worse than any "Sex And The City" episode. So if there was one thing for certain, it's that I was born to be a writer.

Of course when I told my family and friends that I was moving to pursue my dreams of becoming a TV writer by moving to Hollywood, they laughed. Yep, that's right, they laughed, chuckled, and giggled, as if they thought I was crazy. Me... moving to Hollywood to become a writer? Ha! I mean, does that sound so far fetched and incredibly absurd? Yes? OK fine, maybe a little. But you have to start somewhere, right?

And ever since I've been out here, I've gotten nothing but "So, did you find a job yet?" or "So, you're still not working?" Let me answer that question for you - Yes, I just got the green light that I'm going to write and executive produce my own show, you haven't heard? Kidding! I'm just being sarcastic. No, I haven't found a job yet. I JUST GOT HERE THREE WEEKS AGO! And no, I'm not coming home. I didn't move across the country to give up and move back home after just a couple of weeks.

So to everyone who laughed at me, to everyone who doesn't think I'll make it... like Tina Fey said in her Golden Globe speech, you can go suck it! Because when the day comes that I become successful, I'm going to remember the people who helped me, encouraged me and inspired me, not the ones who laughed at me and doubted me.


So for now I sit and watch "30 Rock," my favorite show on television right now, in awe of Liz Lemon and Jenna Mulroney, as they portray the characters that are so like my best friend and myself (Me being Liz of course, the geeky writer, and my best friend being Jenna, the blonde beautiful actress). And I still sit and pine away for the day that that will happen to me. Because I have enough material to last five sitcom pilots, two screenplays and a book. And I just turned twenty seven! Yes, my life has been anything but ordinary. A sitcom waiting to happen. A sitcom I believe has been written in the stars. And I couldn't have written it any better myself.

How Old is 'Too Old' to Party?

As a 27 year old single girl, I spend most of my time going out with my friends. And when I say 'going out,' what I really mean is partying.

Recently, I went to a bar one night, and almost everyone was in college. I've never felt so old! So of course, my girlfriends and I totally lied and told everyone we were 21, which is pretty believable. And let me tell you, I haven't had that much fun since... well, since I was 21. But I couldn't help but wonder, am I too old to be doing this? How old is 'Too old' to party?

While some people may say yes, I am too old to party, I disagree! You are only young once. Go out and party while you still can. And who cares if you have work the next day. Who cares if you're tired. You can sleep it off when you're 40. I say, if you're not settled down yet, then you have every right to go out and party your pants off. Because once you're married, trust me, the party's over!

So you go out there and party your pants off. And don't forget to invite me!

Cosmo's anyone?

"This is Hollywood, Baby!"

Although I'm loving Hollywood, it is very different from New York. And so are the guys...

The guys in Hollywood are, well, let me use the term "Loose." They seem to think that they can score any chick that they want by saying that they make movies, they are an actor and starring in the next best thing, or they just wrote an Oscar winning screenplay. So of course if I get approached and I don't seem interested, they assume that I'm just an uptight New York bitch. It almost seems as if a girl has never blown them off before. One guy even said to me "Oh, come on, this is Hollywood, baby!"

I know that being out here is all about networking. But you'll know whether somebody is full of shit or not. For the most part, I've made tons of friends connections out here. Everybody here is really friendly. Which could mean either one of two things; a) they are actually really friendly, or b) they are fake, because they think that just maybe, you can help further their career. You see, this can also be known as networking. But there's a classy way to go about it, and then there's the "Loose" way to go about it. I'm sure either could work, but I prefer the route of showing people that I actually have talent. (And I'm not talking about in the bedroom).

And over the weekend I even went to my first Hollywood after party at a house in the hills, where everybody was doing all kinds of illegal stuff.Which reminded me of one of my favorite "Saved by the Bell" episodes - the one where the hot shot movie star came to Bayside High to film an anti drug commercial. And when Kelly Kapowski and co. went to his "Hollywood" party, it turned out that he himself did drugs. Typical!

Yep, Hollywood is exactly what you think it is. Everybody here lives in the fast lane. I mean, come on, "This is Hollywood, baby!"

10 Things You'll Love/ Hate About Me

Thanks to Date Girl, she recently told us 10 things about her. Now I’m tagged, so I must also answer ten things about myself. And now I get to tag ten of you! So, here we go...

1. I loathe dating. I never call guys, ever. And I like to play hard to get. Usually it doesn’t work, because then the guy doesn’t think I like them what so ever. I guess I’m really good at it. Maybe I should think about acting.

2. Every relationship I've had always ends in complete disaster. And I have to tell you, it's exhausting! But I'm a hopeless romantic and I know that there is somebody out there for me. Well, eventually. But if I never get married that's OK too. I'll just live with my girlfriends on the Upper East Side and we can be whores and cougars. Oh wait, that was Sex And The City.

3. Since I don't have a boyfriend. Ever. My uncle told me I should just forget about guys and be a lesbian. He said I could be the token family lesbian since there are no other lesbians in the family.

4. I don’t make my bed. Ever. What’s the point? You’re only going to go back in it at some point. I don’t clean. I don’t cook. I don't iron. And I don't do laundry. If we cleaned up after ourselves, then a lot of people would be out work. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?

5. I recently had an epiphany to do stand up comedy. But I have terrible stage fright. So for now it will remain on my "Things to do before I die, but probably will never do them," list.

6. I'm completely head over heels for Tina Fey. And I strongly believe that she stole my career.

7. April Fool's Day and Halloween are my favorite days of the year.

8. I've never seen Star Wars, The Godfather, Rocky, The Sound of Music, or any other movie that most people have seen.

9. I've recently been obsessed with going to the gym. Maybe it's because I have nothing better to do, or maybe it's because I just saw a picture of Britney Spears.

10. I have a "Thing" for magicians. I'm completely obsessed with David Blaine and Criss Angel.

Now I tag: David, The Houlywood Reporter, The Polka Dotted Owl, Nicoteen Queen, J-Diggety, The Politics Chick, Snacks with Sara, Erika Jean, imerika, Milla

The Hangover

I recently saw "The Hangover" and absolutely loved it! Although, I do wonder why it took so darn long to make a comedy about a bunch of guys having their bachelor party in Vegas. Anyways, the movie made me reminisce about some of my favorite Vegas hangover stories. There's nothing better than waking up in the morning after a night full of debauchery, not knowing what the hell happened.

My favorite story is when my best friend and I vacationed up in Vegas, coincidentally at the same time as our friends bachelor party. We partied hard one night and found ourselves back at their suite. Soon after, everybody ended up either pairing off and going into the bedroom, or falling asleep. That was when I found myself all alone with the bachelor and his father! Obviously I wasn't going to stick around. So his dad walked me downstairs to get a cab, and I went home. The next morning, the topic of conversation was that I hooked up with the bachelors dad!

What's your favorite hangover story?

The Time of My Life

Today marks exactly one week that I've been in Hollywood. It's been quite the adventure. And it's only just begun.

I kind of feel as if I'm in the female version of Entourage, especially since my girlfriends and I hail from Queens, New York. With the exception that we're all trying to make it big instead of living off our friend's fame and fortune. Or rather, soon to be fame and fortune. Wait, what the hell am I talking about, MY fame and fortune! There's the actress, there's the one who's on "hiatus" who's just hanging out, the stand-up comedienne, and myself - the writer. And although I do miss my family and friends back home, I couldn't be luckier than to be out here with my closest friends, sharing in this adventure that we'll never forget, together.

We've done everything from clubbing at celeb hot spots, watch my friend performed her very first stand-up routine, partying in the hills, eating lunch at The Beverly Hills Hotel, shop on Rodeo Drive and Robertson (well, window shopped), and cleaned our new apartment from top to bottom. Since I'm finally on my own for the very first time, I've had to take out the trash, do laundry, make my bed and... clean! (I know, I can't believe it either). And I've met more guys here in one week than I have in NYC in the past year and a half.

I've been insanely busy just networking, trying to make friends and landing some solid advice whether it's from the hot next door neighbor, my friends out here, or even a random person I met at a club. Everybody knows somebody out here. You could strike up a conversation with somebody at the gas station and low and behold, they know somebody that could help you get a job. Yes, it's that crazy! And in the midst of it all, every single person I've met has the exact same story - They came to Hollywood with absolutely no money and a dream. And years later, they're still here.

Yes, my friends and I are definitely living life in the fast lane. But in a good way. (So get your head out of the gutter). I'm absolutely loving this city. The people are either freaks or geeks, which makes the people watching rather fascinating. My friends from LA have been nothing but supportive and helpful, and besides being absolutely beautiful, the possibilities for us here are endless. It's a tough business, but if you know the right people, it's definitely the best business. And in the end, no matter what the outcome, it's all worth it.

And yes, it's definitely more fun with your friends.