Wednesday, March 14, 2012
30 Years of Being Single
As my 30th birthday approaches, I've come to realize that I haven't had a real boyfriend since 2006. WAIT, WHAT!? How did this happen? What the hell have I been doing? More importantly, who have I been doing? Because whoever it was apparently thought I wasn't good enough to label me as their girlfriend. Yes, I've dated. And yes, I've actually really liked some of those guys, but for some reason, they never turned into anything more than just "seeing each other." Wow, this is totally explains why my mom thinks I'm a lesbian and the rest of my family thinks I'm a slut.
If you're an avid reader of my my blog, then you'd know that I've had some pretty bad experiences with guys over the years. So, I've decided to look back on the worst ones, just to make you guys laugh, and make myself cry...
- My first real relationship was great, until my ex turned 21 and suddenly had an felt he should spend the year being "single." That's understandable. I mean, what did I know, I was just a sophomore. So, after he broke up with me, he immediately had a new girlfriend for next seven years of his life.
- Then I dated this guy I really liked. That was until we went out for his birthday and he made out with some girl right in front of my face. Did I mention it was in front of all my girlfriends? Including the one who tells her mom who's friends with my mom EVERYTHING? Yeah, that too.
- Once I started crushing on one of my co-workers. I know, I should have stayed away. But when he asked me out on a date, I couldn't help but say yes. I mean, finally, someone liked me!! He asked me to meet him at a bar, which now that I think about it, it probably wasn't a date, was it? Oh well. He never showed up anyway.
- After I moved to Hollyweird, my first date was with a guy who was an "actor." And by actor, I mean a waiter who thinks he's an actor but has never actually acted in anything. The entire date was him talking about himself. When he finally dropped me off, he told me I was awesome and he wanted to hang out again. Okay, if anyone could tell me what was so awesome about this, I'll let you write a guest blog about why you think I'm single!
- One guy just randomly stopped talking to me. Why? Well, he wasn't ready for a relationship even though he was seeing someone else behind my back. They dated for quite a while, and when she broke up with him, he yelled at me as to why I never called or texted him. He said it would have been nice to hear from me once in a while and ask how he's doing.
- And my favorite story: blogger guy: a hot Internet quasi celeb who commented on all of my blog posts. His comments led to emails, which eventually led to Facebook friends. So what if he had one picture, that picture was EFFING HOT!!! Months later, I met a guy while I was out at a club and once I became Facebook friends with him, I discovered his main profile pic was also... blogger guy's pic! I guess that means blogger guy wasn't really blogger guy, and the real blogger guy is probably just a hermit crab who lives in a shack in the woods with nothing better to do.
I know, I know. I don't know why all of these horrible dates keep happening to me either! But hey, they'll make for a great movie someday.
And if you're a guy who's sitting in the audience of a cheesy Katherine Heigl RomCom sometime in the near future and notice a character that's strikingly similar to yourself, well then, sorry!