Welcome to the Jungle

30 Going On 19

2012-05-02T14:21:00.004-04:00

"How old are you?" asked my former boss on my birthday. After a brief pause I responded, "I'm 19!" "So, in other words, you're 30," he said.

Okay, first of all, I don't feel 30. My skin still looks good. I have a full head of hair. No wrinkles. Some even say I don't look a day older than my 15-year-old cousin. Although, that could be because she has way bigger boobs than I do. But I still get carded when I buy alcohol. So that's a good sign. And my mom who's still convinced that I'm a lesbian says my life is just beginning, so why do I feel like it's kind of over?

Well, aside from the fact that my entire family forgot it was my birthday - with the exceptions with my parents - I just feel depressed. My friends actually had to come over and make me go out for my birthday because I just didn't want to. Although, a really cute boy bought me flowers. Like, really, really nice flowers. So, I guess I shouldn't complain, right?

Being 30 is different for everyone. Some are married with kids doing adult-y things while others (like myself) are still getting drunk and watching reruns of "Beverly Hills, 90210" on SOAPnet instead of writing that damn book that I said I was going to write when I was 25.

So, for now I'll just keep reminding myself that Stephanie Meyer didn't start writing the Twilight series until she was 30. And Martha Stewart didn't start doing her thing until she was 40! But the one thing that still plagues me is ... am I seriously older than Lady Gaga?

Girls, Girls, Girls

2012-04-13T13:34:00.019-04:00

This week I had the pleasure of attending the HBO screening of their new series, "Girls." I know what you're thinking, it's going to be just like "Sex And The City," how many more shows could be on TV that's about girls along with the title "Girls" in the actual title! ("Two Broke Girls," "New Girl," and now "Girls")

Sure it's about four girlfriends who live in New York City. And sure, it's about friendship, boys and sex. But it's also about things that most shows in recent years haven't touched on. Like drugs, diseases, abortions, horrible job interviews, awkward sex, doing Google searches on weird things like "stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms."

As I watched the first three episodes, I was certain that every word Lena Dunham wrote was for me... and everything other twenty-something girl for that matter. It's completely relatable, it's funny without the punchline, it's honest, but most of all it talks about real issues that happens to real people, regardless of whether or not you live in NYC.

Having spoken about this with some older women after the screening, they asked me if I thought it was relatable. I said "Abso-fucking-lutely!" (Sorry, had to quote SATC, at east once). They said things like "Are guys really that horrible?" and "Why would a twenty-something year old be afraid of getting HPV or AIDS?" Well, because shit happens!

And as for the 25-year-old star, creator, director, writer, and executive producer? Rolling Stone magazine put it best by saying, "She's like Larry David's sicko granddaughter." While that might not be totally true, one thing's for sure, she is definitely the voice of our generation. Or at least, a generation.

The Chase

2012-03-25T16:15:00.005-04:00

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy stalks girl until she caves in and goes out with him.

Is it just me, or does that not happen anymore? Sure, we see it in movies all the time. And I think it's safe to say all of our grandpa's have told us that story of how they met your grandma... basically they stalked her till she caved in. But it's 2011 people, dating has changed!

I don't know about you ladies, but I can't remember the last time a guy chased me until I went on a date with him. I probably don't remember because that's never actually happened to me before. I'm lucky if I could get a guy to buy me a drink at the bar or at least take me out for coffee.

Have YOU ever been chased?

30 Years of Being Single

2012-03-14T13:42:00.078-04:00

As my 30th birthday approaches, I've come to realize that I haven't had a real boyfriend since 2006. WAIT, WHAT!? How did this happen? What the hell have I been doing? More importantly, who have I been doing? Because whoever it was apparently thought I wasn't good enough to label me as their girlfriend. Yes, I've dated. And yes, I've actually really liked some of those guys, but for some reason, they never turned into anything more than just "seeing each other." Wow, this is totally explains why my mom thinks I'm a lesbian and the rest of my family thinks I'm a slut.

If you're an avid reader of my my blog, then you'd know that I've had some pretty bad experiences with guys over the years. So, I've decided to look back on the worst ones, just to make you guys laugh, and make myself cry...

- My first real relationship was great, until my ex turned 21 and suddenly had an felt he should spend the year being "single." That's understandable. I mean, what did I know, I was just a sophomore. So, after he broke up with me, he immediately had a new girlfriend for next seven years of his life.

- Then I dated this guy I really liked. That was until we went out for his birthday and he made out with some girl right in front of my face. Did I mention it was in front of all my girlfriends? Including the one who tells her mom who's friends with my mom EVERYTHING? Yeah, that too.

- Once I started crushing on one of my co-workers. I know, I should have stayed away. But when he asked me out on a date, I couldn't help but say yes. I mean, finally, someone liked me!! He asked me to meet him at a bar, which now that I think about it, it probably wasn't a date, was it? Oh well. He never showed up anyway.

- After I moved to Hollyweird, my first date was with a guy who was an "actor." And by actor, I mean a waiter who thinks he's an actor but has never actually acted in anything. The entire date was him talking about himself. When he finally dropped me off, he told me I was awesome and he wanted to hang out again. Okay, if anyone could tell me what was so awesome about this, I'll let you write a guest blog about why you think I'm single!

- One guy just randomly stopped talking to me. Why? Well, he wasn't ready for a relationship even though he was seeing someone else behind my back. They dated for quite a while, and when she broke up with him, he yelled at me as to why I never called or texted him. He said it would have been nice to hear from me once in a while and ask how he's doing.

- And my favorite story: blogger guy: a hot Internet quasi celeb who commented on all of my blog posts. His comments led to emails, which eventually led to Facebook friends. So what if he had one picture, that picture was EFFING HOT!!! Months later, I met a guy while I was out at a club and once I became Facebook friends with him, I discovered his main profile pic was also... blogger guy's pic! I guess that means blogger guy wasn't really blogger guy, and the real blogger guy is probably just a hermit crab who lives in a shack in the woods with nothing better to do.

I know, I know. I don't know why all of these horrible dates keep happening to me either! But hey, they'll make for a great movie someday.

And if you're a guy who's sitting in the audience of a cheesy Katherine Heigl RomCom sometime in the near future and notice a character that's strikingly similar to yourself, well then, sorry!

Oh my god... That's It... It's Over!

2012-03-07T20:03:00.008-05:00

Why is it that when you're dating someone, the minute that you don't hear from them, you automatically think the worst. OH MY GOD, THAT'S IT, IT'S OVER! HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Yup. We all think about it. The second your guy doesn't answer your text message right away, the second he's sending you to voice mail, and the second it takes him hours to call you back, it just seems... weird! Then you feel weird. You start acting weird. Then he acts weird because you're acting weird. And then things are just plain weird.

When you casually ask your guy where he's been, he replies "Oh, I was at the gym." Or something silly. You say okay and think to yourself, "am I a crazy bitch?" "Was I thinking all of that nonsense about him not liking me anymore for no apparent reason at all?"

NO. YOU ARE NOT A CRAZY BITCH.

I'm sorry, but if you're feeling like one, then there's a reason for it. And that reason is usually because of a stupid guy. Agree or disagree? Sound off in the comments below!

2012-03-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I’m sad I pretend to be Carrie Bradshaw and I put on weird bras and type on my computer - New Girl

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

2012-02-20T00:03:00.024-05:00

Is it just me, or does Facebook make girls crazier than they already are? Yes, that's right, I said it. Go ahead and hate me, but you know it's true. The social networking device can either make or break a relationship.

Time and time again, you'll ask your guy what he's doing tonight. He'll say "Oh, nothing" and then later on, he'll be checked in at a bar with ten other people. The next morning, scandalous photos will surface and you'll be left wondering "Who the F is that bitch with her arm around him!?" Even if you're not looking at his page, these kinds of things just pop up in your news feed whether you like it or not.

Yes, Facebook has taken stalking to a whole new level. In high school, my girlfriends would always drag me past their boyfriends house to see if the lights are on, if his car is there, if you can see him through the window. Ever since Facebook, there's no longer a need to do these things. Instead, you could just look at your guys' page as many times as you want to see what he's up to. And the best part is, he'll never know about it!

Take me for example. I'm the least craziest chick you'll ever meet. I'm so cool, that guys even think I'm cool and because of it, they don't even want to date me, which I'm guessing is the reason why I've been single since 2006. But that's a whole other topic. Where were we? Oh yeah, Facebook stalking.

Being someone who isn't a stalker what so ever, Facebook has since turned me into one! A few months ago I was dating someone and it was Facebook that pretty much ruined our relationship. Or, perhaps it helped me realize that there wasn't one to begin with. While I'm chatting with friends and looking on my news feed, I couldn't help but see his updates. Who is that girl commenting on all of his posts? Why did he say he was home and now he's at a bar with a bunch of people, including the girl who keeps commenting on his pics? Why is his ex suddenly liking all of his updates? And why do I suddenly feel like I'm Gossip Girl?

As it turned out, this chick turned out to be his new love interest after we broke up. So, I guess the fact that I noticed it first hand via Facebook only helped me realize that this wasn't exactly going anywhere.

But is it better to not know these things and keep some stuff left to the imagination, or does Facebook actually help us when it comes to relationships?

The Dating Game

2012-02-08T12:05:00.009-05:00

Do you play the game? You know, the game...

We all hate playing them, but we all do whether we like it or not. In the world of dating and relationships, nothing comes easy. If you're too available, then guys will take you for granted and eventually lose interest. And if you're not available enough, then guys will think think you're not into them and give up. So, umm, what do you do?

For me, I always like playing a little hard to get. If a guy that I'm interested in texts me, I'll purposely wait at least an hour to respond. Same goes for phone calls. When he finally calls me, I'll answer as if I have no idea who's calling. I mean, you have to seem as if you have a life, right?

But since I'm always trying so hard to be "the cool chick," guys almost always give up on me because they think that I'm not interested at all. Hmm, maybe that's why I'm always single.

Do you guys play the game?

To Hook Up, Or Not To Hook Up

2012-01-22T13:31:00.003-05:00

If you're a slut, then guys just want to bang you. But if you're a good girl, then guys don't want you at all. So... then what are you supposed to do?

Last night I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend and all of his single friends. Since my bestie typically always has a boyfriend, it's usually pretty easy for me to meet guys. Okay, fine. It's pretty much the only way for me to meet guys. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be single for the rest of my life.

Oh yeah, so back to last night. She introduced me to a bunch of hotties. Of course, none of which had any kind of substance. They just wanted to get drunk, party and get laid. Did I mention they were all over 30? Yeah, that too. At the end of the night, she introduced me to this guy she's been DYING for me to meet. We talked for a while, mainly about dating and relationships. He said he couldn't understand why such a nice, pretty girl like me is single. I told him it was because all guys are jerks. He laughed and said I was crazy, and I also may or may not be a lesbian.

I am. But I have reason's to be.

After the bar, we all went back to my friend's boyfriend's place. Me and this guy were totally hitting it off... and believe it or not... we were just talking! Crazy, huh? I couldn't help but think, is this guy actually, maybe, kinda sorta, dare I say... into me? After I went to talk to my girlfriend in the other room about it, when I came out my guy was practically hooking up with some other girl. I awkwardly sat on the couch in between him and this girl... and another guy (who I totally have a crush on) and his new girl.

Like, seriously? Seriously. I leave the room for five minutes, and he's already trying to hit on someone else? I mean, it's not like we were "together," but still! Once it was 4am, there was no way I was driving home at that point. So, I was stuck sleeping on the floor while everyone else was hooking up.

I don't get it. If you hook up, then most likely the guy just thinks you're a slut and probably won't talk to you after the next couple of, err, dates. But if you don't hook up, then they're not interested at all and will just move on to the next chick who will hook up. And then guys wonder why girls are bitches, skank and/ or crazy. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret... behind every bitch, skank and crazy chick... is the guy who made them one!

Shit Single Girls Say!

2012-01-19T12:32:00.002-05:00

Liz Lemon Who?

2012-01-02T13:30:00.003-05:00

Is it just me, or does anybody else have as much fun with themselves as I do? I don't mean to sound presumptuous or anything, but I can make my self laugh harder than anyone I know.

Case in point: I had a free pass to the gym for a week. Since I haven't worked out since 2009, I figured I'd take some zumba classes to shed those extra LBS I put on from the holidays. And besides, we all know I could use a little dancing to help me out at the club.

So I'm in class and as soon as the music turned on, the teacher started dancing like crazy. Who does she think she is, the choreographer for Jennifer Lopez? Better yet, somehow, the entire class followed along with her without a hitch. Even the old ladies, and even the little kids. Pfftt, I totally got this!

We started dancing and just as the entire class turned left, I was turning right. Huh? And when everyone turned around, I was turning the other way. Wait, what! What the fuck is going on!? Why can't I keep up? And more importantly, why can't I seem to at least clap my hands?

Well, there went that idea. After the gym and desperately trying to make myself feel better, I went to get a mani/pedi. What could go wrong at a nail salon?

As soon as I walked in, all of the manicurists greeted me saying "Haiiiii" and got a spa chair ready for me. Now I don't know about you, but getting into the spa chair is sort of an obstacle course for me. As I was about to hop on, I noticed what I thought was a stool right next to it. So, I took off my flip flops, stepped on the "stool," which actually had wheels, and immediately flung me across the spa chair. I ended up doing the worm for a bit when the next thing I knew I was in the water where you soak your feet instead. This went on for what seemed to be five full minutes of trying to get up, but instead getting deeper in to the mess I call myself.

After three manicurists (yes, it took three) to help me up, a pretty girl sitting next to me just looked at me and laughed. Before the fall, I could have sworn this was Katherine Hiegl. So if it were, I'd like to think perhaps I inspired a character for her next movie. And at least I know I can put Liz Lemon to shame any day!

Singled Out

2012-01-01T04:25:00.000-05:00

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Happy New Year!” everybody shouted, as pretty much the entire bar started making out with one another. Most of them were couples, or at least dating. I guess? And others just grabbed pretty much anybody at midnight just to have someone to kiss. And then there was me. Lonely, little old me, sitting on a bar stool blowing my noise maker in the air, playing with that little straw in my drink.

“So… do you watch Heroes?” I said to the geeky foreign guy sitting next to me, wearing suspenders with those thick black rimmed glasses that the Saved By The Bell nerds used to wear (since when did those become cool again?). “I like-a your tattoo. Vant to kiss-a me?” said the geek. “I’m from Brazeeeaal and don’t speak-a English.” “Really? Well, you’re speaking it right now” I said, as we both just sat there for a moment. Ugh. So, I got up and walked over to my friends. “Happy New Year! Ahhhhhh!” we all screamed, as we all hugged one another in a big circle full of hugs.

All in all, my New Years was a blast (although, the very next day wasn’t such a blast). But even though I spent it with great friends, I still can’t help but feel lonely. Why, oh why do I always feel lonely on New Years?

Ever since I’ve returned to New York for the holidays, I’ve come to realize that most of my friends are either a) in relationships b) engaged or c) moved in with their significant others. And to top it all off, even all of my guy friends are taken. Yes, even the one of the group that we swore would never get married because he’s a crazy man-whore. Yep, even him.

So what does this all mean! I guess it means that I’m destined to become the old woman who lived in her shoes, because now even my backups are on the road to being hitched.

It's Okay To 'Not Have A Boyfriend' ... Right?

2011-12-09T16:30:00.005-05:00

Taylor Swift: "I just don't ... You'd know if I had a boyfriend. I for real don't have a boyfriend. I sit by myself and I watch 'Law & Order.' I don't have a boyfriend. I don't even have like kind of a boyfriend. I don't have someone that I'm texting that is a guy that someday might be my boyfriend. There's like nothing going on right now."
Ellen DeGeneres: "That's pathetic."
Taylor Swift: "Yeah."

The Most Incestuous Gang On TV Goes To...

2011-11-28T17:06:00.008-05:00

... 90210!

Rule #1 of living in 90210 land is that everyone has to date each other! On the original 90210, there was the whole Brenda/ Kelly/ Dylan love triangle. Now there's the Navid/ Silver/ Adrianna/Dixon triangle. And of course, we can't forget Naomi who dated Liam, who then dated Annie, all of which are great friends now. Umm, isn't there anyone else at West Beverly High that they can go on a date with? Aren't any of them on Facebook?

Although those rules may apply in La La Land, in real life, if you were to date a friend's ex, most likely they would be angry, hurt and would probably egg your car. I know if my best friend started dating my ex, she would not be happy. Nor would I, if it were the other way around. Jeez, if an ex comments on a Facebook post, it's a big deal, let alone starting a relationship!

But 90210 isn't the only TV show where 'the gang' dates... well... everyone else in the gang. The rule also seems to apply to Friends, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, How I Met Your Mother... I can keep going, but you get where I'm going with this.

Would U date a friend's ex? And if you did, do U think they would be okay with it?

Stranger Than Fiction

2011-11-24T17:18:00.006-05:00

They always say "write what you know." That's a phrase I've come to live by my entire life because if you know me well, then you'd know that somehow, I always get myself into the most bizarre situations. Sometimes it's because of me. Sometimes it's because of my crazy friends. And sometimes, I just really think that my life is meant to be either a) a book series b) a Judd Apatow movie or c) a Thursday night sitcom on NBC.

It was Thanksgiving Eve, so my best friend and I decided to hit the town since we both had a few days off. And after working six days a week for the past six months, trust me, I needed a night out!

We went to a club called Beachers Madhouse inside The Roosevelt Hotel. As soon as we walked in, I had to triple check that I wasn't tripping on acid because it was by far the strangest place I've ever been to. Whenever somebody ordered bottle service, a midget dressed as an oompa loompa swung through the air to hand deliver their bottle of Grey Goose. I have to admit, that was pretty cool, aside from hoping that I wouldn't get raped by the old hairy 80-year-old man in leather panties (I really hope that he worked there) who kept trying to dance with me. Who ever thought of this idea for a club must have been on some serious drugs.

After the club, some friends of ours invited us to an after party somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. Not really sure of how we were going to get home, my friend and I jumped in an Escalade and hoped for the best. They took us to a mansion in Bel Air. I mean like, one of those mansions you'd see on Entourage. It was crazy!

A half hour later when everyone started doing drugs… and other stuff, I knew it was my cue to leave. But of course, the douchebags we came with left us there, the girls who we thought were "kind of" nice wouldn't give us a ride back to town even though they lived a few blocks over from us, nor would the z-list celeb who took a car service BY HIMSELF, or the girl who had a drug store in her purse (not that I would have wanted to get in a car with her). Everybody else was too messed up to tell us where we were or what the address was. Awesome!

Two hours later, we were still trying to figure out how to get home when the guy who's house it was said, "Oh, you need a cab, why don't you just call 411?" as if we were idiots. Umm, i'm sorry but is this 2003? Who calls 411 anymore, aside from the fact that we were up in the hills and had no cell phone service.

"Ugh, i'll call for you" said the douchebag, who picked up his landline and ordered us a cab. Seriously. Seriously? He couldn't have done that for us TWO HOURS AGO when we asked him? And so the cab finally pulls up… a mile away outside the gate of course! Once we got in the cabbie said "You girls walked all this way, you're lucky you didn't see any coyotes!"

And so, on this Thanksgiving day, I am thankful for always getting involved in a crazy night out. The truth is always stranger than fiction. I couldn't even make this stuff up if I tried!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage… Then Comes ‘What The *&$@! Did I Do That For?”

2011-11-03T00:27:00.001-04:00

Incase you’re living in a bubble, then you would have known that Kim Kardashian just got divorced just 72 days after she got married. I know what you’re thinking – “You mean I just wasted four hours of my life watching ‘Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event’ for no reason!!” Oh… you mean you didn’t watch it?

Call me crazy, but I think that Kim Kardashian married Kris Humphries because she really did love him. Or did she just love… love? Kim is what I like to call ‘A hopeless romantic who is desperately wanting to get married.’ She’s one of those girls who’s dreamed of her fairytale wedding ever since she was little, and now that she’s hit 30-years-old, she suddenly realized she has to get married! It doesn’t matter to who, but she just wants a wedding and she wants it now! There’s no way in hell she’s going to be the last of her friends and family to get hitched. So, she found a guy that she liked and probably though it was do-able.

Hey, it’s happens to the best of us. But clearly, after only just a few months of dating, you don’t know someone well enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them. Maybe it used to work in the 1900’s, but not in today’s society. People are more complex now, but yet fall into “I want to get married because it’s the next step” phase. And then come around and realize one fine day… “What the fuck did I do that for?” … Get divorced and then do it all over again.

Sure, being single is fun, but at the end of the day, all a girl really wants is to find her prince charming and settle down. Kim represents ‘that girl who’s longing to get married’ that lives inside all of us whether we like it or not. But sometimes you just have sit back and wait for it to happen.

Stupid Reasons People Get Married

2011-10-05T19:09:00.005-04:00

Unfortunately, lots of people these days get married for all the wrong reasons. Here's a list I've compiled and if you feel like one of these reasons pertains to you, them umm, you probably shouldn't get married! And if you are married, did U get married for a stupid reason?

-All of my friends are getting married, I'm just getting drunk!

So what if everybody that you know is getting married? It doesn't mean that you should too! If everyone that you know masterbated to the Jonas Bros CD, would you do it too? Yeah, I didn't think so. And if you do know people who do that, then they shouldn't be your friends to begin with.

-I want a baby

No you don't! Babies are annoying and will change your life. If you want a baby go and babysit for a kid that you will eventually have to give back at some point.

-We've been dating for so long, it only seemed like the next step!

This is probably the dumbest reason of them all! There's no relationship schedule. If you feel like you're in a rush, or if he's in a rush, there's something fishy going on. Make sure to find out if he was born in this country.

-I want to plan a wedding and get drunk

Women everywhere have dreamed of their wedding day ever since they were a little girl. But that's not an excuse to go ahead and plan a wedding for thousands, or millions of dollars, only to end up getting divorced a few years later, because most likely you aren't a Kardashian, and if you are, I'm on Twitter!!

-I want to move out of my parents’ house!

Yeah, you really should! But getting married isn't the way. Get a job and move in with a friend. Haven't you ever watched Three's Company or Sex And The City? Having a roommate is way more fun!

-I want to have sex all the time

Sure, who doesn't? But you can still be in a relationship and have sex all the time. Or have one night stands. Or become a prostitute. See, there's plenty sex to go around!

-I felt bad saying “no”

Really? Because you'll feel even worse giving that ring back eventually. Just sayin'

My Mom Thinks I'm a Lesbian... And Other Things

2011-09-18T17:43:00.014-04:00

We all know that mother's only want the best for their children. But why is it that mom's in this day and age are obsessed with thinking the worst of their daughters when they come to realize that if they're in their late 20's and aren't settled down, they automatically think the worst.

Just because I haven't had a real boyfriend since... well, whatever -- I've had one, okay -- doesn't mean that I'm a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Just because all my friends are getting married and I'm the drunk one at their wedding, doesn't mean that I'm going to be a spinster. And just because I'm on birth control doesn't mean that I'm a slut. It does many other things besides prevent you from getting pregnant!

Let's face it, I would rather my mom just not know about my love life and have her think the absolute worst of me, than to actually tell her that I have a boyfriend and have her interrogate me about him, only to break up with him the following week which in turn, will make you feel even worse about yourself than you already do. Unfortunately, most mom's just aren't 'cool mom's' and don't understand that this isn't the 1900's anymore; the rules of dating have changed.

Since when did mother’s turn into those high school mean girls who used to spread rumors that you were gay because you dressed weird?

Do Stalkers Have It Too Easy?

2011-08-23T12:59:00.003-04:00

If you have a crush and you want to find out more about them, it's pretty easy to get the 411. There's Google, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Foursquare, Youtube, Linkdn, blogs… is that enough?

People who aren't stalkers become stalkers, and people who are stalkers, only have more ammunition to find what they are looking for. With so many advances in technology, it's hard not to stalk someone that you're interested in. How many times have you clicked on your crush's Facebook page and looked at their pics? How many times have you google'd your date? How many times have you checked to see where your boyfriend is on Foursquare? Yes, we've all done it.

Whatever happened to the days of driving past someone's house to see if they were home! Now, all you have to do is log on to Twitter, Facebook or Foursquare and you'll know exactly where they are and what they are doing. Sometimes I just wish we could go back to the days of Zack Morris phones. Life was so much easier back then.

Is it better to know absolutely everything about your significant other, or is it better to be left to the imagination?

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made (Jewish) mothers

2011-07-11T03:05:00.007-04:00

About a week ago my grandma was complaining that she was dying. But you see, every day in my house for the past five years, grandma is dying. So, whenever she would ask my mother to take her to the hospital... "You're full of shit!" my mom would say. Grandma would curse her out, and try again the next day. This would go on for years and years.

But last week, the unthinkable happened... Grandma died. I never thought I would say those words. At least, not so soon. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were eating dinner at a diner at 3:00 and she was putting sugar packets and silverware in her purse. She said it was for the dog!

Yep, that was my Grandma. She’s made me laugh more than any movie, sitcom or comedian ever has. Whether it was prank calling my mom just to see what she was doing, pouring hot water in cold apple juice or telling my fat uncle “Don’t get up, you’ll have a miscarriage!” I could always count on her to make me smile. Although, some things will always puzzle me; like why she would call the cops if she didn't hear from my mom in a couple of hours. But I guess that's just what Jewish mom's do... right? (Please say yes). It’s like that person once said, God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. (Note: I have no idea who said that, I just googled Jewish mothers, and that’s what came up).

She was your typical old Jewish grandma. You know, like George Costanza's mom.

She was the patriarch of my crazy family, the one who started it all! And I'm not sure if I ever told her, but she was my inspiration. She always believed in me no matter what and was always my biggest fan. But if there's anything she's taught me, it's that each and every one of us is crazy in our own way. But so what? At the end of the day, that’s what makes us special. I am lucky enough to have an amazing family who has an incredible sense of humor that will help us get through anything, and I think it’s safe to say it’s all because of Grandma Rita.

Do U have a "Friend With Benefits?"

2011-07-06T17:27:00.001-04:00

The Dating Jungle Now On Twitter!!

2011-06-02T03:16:00.004-04:00

Okay, it's taken me long enough to do this... but The Dating Jungle is officially on Twitter

Hope to see you all there!

Early Days of Spinsterhood

2011-06-01T13:41:00.002-04:00

Jenna: Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail! It’s being held up by a chip clip!
Liz Lemon: …I am making my graceful transition into spinsterhood. I have adopted this cat. Named her Emily Dickinson…
Jack: Lemon, a word. Hang on. Recent break-up, fanny pack, cat . . . Quick! Who is the lead character on NCIS?
Liz Lemon: Special Agent Jethro Gibbs.
Jack: In your office now.

At my age if you're single it means either a) you're divorced b) socially awkward c) career obsessed d) there's something wrong with you or e) all of the above.

As the eternal single girl, being single is exhausting and being in my really-late-twenties-not-yet-thirty-because-that's-gross stage, I can't help but feel as if I'm never going to find a boyfriend. I constantly feel as if I always have to dress my best because 'you never know when you're going to meet somebody.' And according to my mother, that somebody exists either at Starbucks, Barnes and Nobles or the local pizza place.

So what if I haven't had a boyfriend in nearly ten years? That doesn't mean that I'm a lesbian. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). So what if all my friends are getting married, and I'm still drunk? At least I'm not in a relationship just to be in one. And so what if I feel like a sister wife to my best friend and her boyfriend? I really do enjoy spending time with them. Yes, really!

I mean, we've all seen Sex And The City. Being over 30 and single is fabulous, right? Oh, who am I kidding. I'm grabbing my cat and fanny pack and heading out to buy some donuts to watch NCIS.

Don't judge me!

Not Another Wedding Movie

2011-05-24T16:01:00.004-04:00

Okay, is it just me, or has there been a plethora of wedding themed romantic comedies lately? If I see Katherine Hiegl in another bridesmaid dress, Kate Hudson bitching about men or Ginnifer Goodwin whining about being single, I'm going to poke myself in the eye with my eyeliner pencil multiple times until I gauge my eyes out.

As women, we get it. We want to see a good love story. We want to cry, we want to laugh and we want to see hot guys. But that doesn't mean that every single chick flick or romantic comedy needs to be about a single girl at her best friend's wedding.

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of seeing Bridesmaids, which was refreshingly funny with a cast full of average looking women. Let's face it, most of us don't look like Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Aniston. Instead, the characters are as real and pathetic as can be, with scenes like the now infamous dress-fitting gag where Kristen Wiig and her co-stars succumb to a disastrous case of (to put it nicely) food poisoning.

But what's with all the ruckus about "This movie finally proves that women really are funny." The notion that women aren’t funny is as old as the people still bringing it up. Wasn't it Joan Rivers who hosted The Tonight Show for Johnny Carson decades ago? Wasn't it Ellen DeGeneres who was the first woman to get called up to Johnny Carson's desk (again, decades ago)? Wasn't it Tina Fey who became the first female head writer on Saturday Night Live? And wasn't it Betty White who has suddenly become a phenomenon (again) for... I don't know... being funny?

While I absolutely adored Bridesmaids, one thing still plagues my mind; why did the first female comedy that's supposedly going to "change comedy forever" have to be about a wedding? Is that all chicks are good for, to write romantic comedies about being the eternal bridesmaid?

Whatever happened to the days of Nora Ephron movies about just falling in love?

29 Is The New 69

2011-05-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

Ever since I've hit my late 20s, I've had nothing but problems. Suddenly, I have stomach issues which I've never had before, my tolerance is always low so the minute it's cold outside I get sick, and I'm usually too tired to go out at night. At the end of the week the only thing I want to do anymore is curl up in bed and watch CW shows. Instead of going out to eat with friends, I force myself to stay home and eat scrambled eggs with toast, and when I go to work I bring crackers in a plastic bag. What's become of me?

Instead of being upset, I’m rather annoyed. My friends are party animals and alcoholics who wake up in places they don’t know. Find it funny when they throw up in public. Drink at least 3-5 cups of coffee every single morning. And pop at least five Advils to cure their hangover. But meeee, the almost always designated driver, the one who "one time" took too many Advils and ended up getting a bleeding ulcer in college, the one who barely ever drinks coffee/ soda because caffeine gives me headaches, and I’m the one that has to suffer with stomach issues?

Maybe it's a quarter life crisis. Maybe it's anxiety. Or maybe I should start looking at assisted living communities in Boca Raton, FL. Le sigh!